I feel lost
Conflicting thoughts course through
Clarity she’s gone took everything I thought I knew
Everyone wants to see heaven but no one wants to say goodbye
Everyone wants to see heaven but no one wants to die
Can’t explain this feeling there’s a void inside
I had a post that I’d typed out last night, but I didn’t post it. I was too in the moment, too sad. Think I’m ready now to say my piece.
I grew up watching Robin Williams. His stand up routines, everything from The Fisher King to Good Will Hunting, from Aladdin to Dead Poets Society, from Flubber to Mrs. Doubtfire. When I read the news yesterday, I sat down and cried. I’d never been so sad hearing about the death of a celebrity. This was a keenly felt loss for many. How someone so talented, bright and brilliant could be so sad as to take his own life.
But that’s what depression does to you. Surrounded by friends and loved ones, you are utterly alone.
It’s a voice in your head you cannot shut out. It points out your faults, your insecurities. Everything that makes you sad on constant replay. You think it’ll never get better. You’ll always feel like this. And you fight every day, every moment, to shut those voices out. Sometimes it’s all you can do to get out of bed. It’s hard, very hard. And for many, it is a lifelong fight. But sometimes, the fight goes on too long. Not everyone wins.
I’ve lived with depression for 13 years. It comes and goes, and it is something I will deal with the rest of my life. Various members of my family have been touched by depression and mental illness. My father has spent most of his life as an alcoholic and drug user. I haven’t seen him in over ten years. My uncle, whom I never met, took his own life in his early twenties. No one truly knows why. It is an event that has affected everyone in my family, something none of them has been able to fully recover from.
Depression and mental illness in general is not talked about. It is an evil thing to keep hidden, a stigma in society. It should not be this way. The world lost a great light yesterday, and as is always the case when this happens, it will be talked about for a while, then forgotten. The issue remains. Many live with this and other mental illnesses. Not everyone wins their fight.
Robin Williams, you will now never know just how many lives you have touched in your amazing career, and how many are saddened by this final act. Or maybe you did. That’s the thing about depression. It’s so much bigger than everything else. I can only imagine it was a long, hard fight. I hope you found the peace you were looking for.